so in the past week

i’ve learned a lot of things.

one; the strongest people in your life will inevitably show that they are human, and it will be bad.
two; i am /not/ compatible with sweet people.
three; those that you trust insanely can suddenly turn around, and use you.
four; i was reminded that people have different morals than me
five; i can take most of the blame for everything, but if i claim total fault, my friends will yell at me.
six; i’ve changed, and it’s no longer a bad thing. there was a period of bad!change, but now i’m back to liking who i am.

something big i learned-

you can grow out of a group of friends. i still love every single one of them, but it’s a lot harder to spend time around the sophomores- most of you who are in this group will read this. i still love you guys but it’s odd being around the group anymore, it seems like it’s changed. that’s why i’ve been hanging out downstairs with jimmy during lunch, and when i get the chance. or ivy, or kameron, or david. also i’m more into being in the one on one small groups. it’s not insult to you guys, i still love you… but my temperament has changed.

also!

when you have friends, no matter how close you are to them, there are some things you just shouldn’t say… because inevitably there will be some gossip.

and!

rumors multiply. even if they involve me. even if they’re not FUCKING true. i’m okay with truth being spread about me, even if it’s vicious and hurtful, because hey, it’s the truth. but when people like to talk about my shit, and decide that i like somebody and am going to ask them out (as a boyfriend) even when i’m ONLY GOING TO ASK THEM TO THE DANCE, it’s pissingly annoying. AND GUESS WHAT? I DIDN’T MEAN THAT I WAS OH-SO-IN-LOVE or some shit with kameron. hell, i wanted to ask him to the dance because he’s my friend and we get along, and it would be fun. also, people who TELL /my/ close friends behind /my/ back stuff, like the ’she’s going to ask you out’ thing, are being unnecessarily mean. it’s like certain people are hoping my friendships are fucked over.

finally-

the strongest person in my life crapped out on me this week. not directly, but through weakness, and it pisses me off. except i still can’t be mad at him, because i love him and i’ve already gotten being pissed. but it was a reality check. i now know that holding anybody in such high esteem is foolish.

wait, there’s more!

somebody i really trusted behaved really inappropriately with me. like, physically. now if you’re reading this and you get paranoid- no, it wasn’t you. but i learned another thing about myself- i’m not nearly as brave as i wish. i wasn’t able to push this guy away. i said no. i told him stop it, i’m going to hit you. he did stop. but… i wish he hadn’t. geneva was there, she saw what happened- it wasn’t anything enormous, but it made me feel terrible and i still feel horrid.

and lastly…

i should just become a lesbian, most people wouldn’t be surprised. if i do, colby’s my first, obviously. :) … but i like guys too much. damnit.

it is unconstitutional to be brown.

i’ve been putting off writing because i knew if i did i would have to write about how unhappy my english class makes me. i would say angry- because it does that too- but it’s not just anger. it’s unhappiness.

i love mr. hardy, he is a most brilliant teacher and he reminds me of a kindergarten teacher in a way- he’s simply swell. he also asks the sort of questions that make you think, if you have the capacity to do so, and i am of the opinion that his talent is wasted on our ‘pre ap’ english two class.

one of our journal prompts was about the secret prisons and whether such behavior is constitutional or not, and i remember reading hunter’s paper from the corner of my eye and it made me very unhappy.

he advocated the mental torture because he said it’s not like we’re physically hurting them, we’re just playing with their minds.

just playing.

that’s all.

and so many people said they deserved it because they’re terrorists and they plan to kill us.

because, being whisked away from your life and turned into a ghost by the government means you’re a terrorist without a doubt- you are guilty until proven innocent, yes? at least if you’re inconveniently brown.

we should bomb the whole area, said some of the people in stashia’s class.

it never got to that point because i spoke up at the very beginning and i spoke a lot. mr. hardy sort of cut me off in that good way that doesn’t insult, seizing upon what i’d said. then he mentioned how some people think the inalienable rights afforded us by our very existence and guaranteed by the constitution only apply to americans.

but americans aren’t safe either, i mentioned the patriot act.

i don’t think i changed anyone’s mind, though, so my approach wasn’t good.

but by the time i went to lunch (split period, so i had to go back and face them) i was shaking, that cold nastyness that touches me every time i speak my mind about something that really matters penetrating my bones.

i do not like my fellow sophomores.

no, native chileans, you can’t have that glacial water.

http://www.doublestandards.org/dickinson1.html

what the hell is wrong with people these days?

yes, let’s screw up these people’s lives by mining for gold. because we don’t need fresh, lovely, glacial water. no, gold is shinier.

now, repeat after me.

water sustains life.
gold causes people to argue, fight, war, and rape lovely glaciers.

yes, let’s make chile the next boliva. let’s contaminate this beautiful source of water for gold.

because profits are the only thing that matter anymore.

yes i know that gold helps the economy, profits help the workers and what-not, and it would probably give the country some sort of economic boost…

but what about the people in the valley?

/end hippie rant

p.s. i know chile isn’t bolivia, i know they actually are fairly better off.

don’t care. i would get just as pissy if this were somewhere else. potable water = good. water that has to be filtered 45897435 times so you don’t die doubleplusungood.