a deplorable romantic am i

http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/49990224/

new poetry in which i romanticize things that are not that romantic, but are sweet all the same. i dramatized most of the events as to how important they were, because that’s what poets do. the last bit especially.

ahhh, what verse does for a situation.

i’m going to copy it to here, but please comment at my deviant? please? because you love me?

you have shared with me several kisses-
two of three in that dim gray stairwell
through which we have oft double timed
our booted feet clicking against cold industrial steel as one
and the backs of our hands brushing while we remained
silent; because that cliché of knowing each other well enough
well enough applies to us.

and then once- a week ago-
you paused and i stopped and i turned to ask why
standing a step above you, we were still not of a height
and before i questioned you answered
lips on mine, hand in mine, eyes with mine-
all interrupted by the jarring scream of a bell
whose sound startled us, pulled you away.

it was like this the second time, yesterday except it was
more expected, easier accepted, and then
your fingers kept mine as the bell clanged and we double-timed.

the third time in a quiet room at the apex of the stairwell
not alone this time, you waited for our companion to look away
and kissed me once, arms ringing my waist.
he turned back- accused you and
you admitted your sin and did not repent
and i smiled and that time
i kissed you.

and to disguise the SACCHARINE DISGUSTING BLOB OF YUCK I HAVE BECOME, poetry from a while ago:

their energy is greater than a tesla coil
surrounding me, they condemn my soul
and as my blood begins to boil,
they watch as i cavort!

muscles and tendons twitch and jerk
and limb by limb i leap to dance
constrained by wicked metal jaws,
my dying body hems and haws

and from my gaping mouth come chants and rants!
clarity is disdained by vocal cords that smoke
how they frown as my bowels release into prison pants!
oh, the unfortunate smell of death.

as current stops with breaker pull,
my felonious corpse trembles, falls!
i’m held in place by rubber shackle,
but i stare out with one clouded eyeball.

at last the crowd cheers an encore,
and hails the power of two thousand volts!

i’m not sure which i like better. one of kisses and one of the horrors of state mandated murder. i do think i am developing a new style though. i’ve never written so many bloody first persons in my life. in fact, i’ve never written first person before.

oh and by the way- the second one is DEFINITELY not from my point of view, even if it IS first person. -smirk-

i am going to pretend

that i am adaptive.

because i like who i am and what i am and who i hang out with. i like myself- more or less, excluding some things- and even if the choices i make aren’t always the ones that i once would have- even if i am indeed, fickle and inconsistent- i’m happy.

so, tenn. this is tenn in her form as defined by her friends. it is nice to be that person.

if you disapprove, don’t speak to me. if you don’t know what i’m talking about- that’s okay, no body on this blog does. i guarantee it.

but that’s fine. this is for me.

ugh

complete and utter inability to say the right things at the right times.

bloody glass, why do you fail me?

so in the past week

i’ve learned a lot of things.

one; the strongest people in your life will inevitably show that they are human, and it will be bad.
two; i am /not/ compatible with sweet people.
three; those that you trust insanely can suddenly turn around, and use you.
four; i was reminded that people have different morals than me
five; i can take most of the blame for everything, but if i claim total fault, my friends will yell at me.
six; i’ve changed, and it’s no longer a bad thing. there was a period of bad!change, but now i’m back to liking who i am.

something big i learned-

you can grow out of a group of friends. i still love every single one of them, but it’s a lot harder to spend time around the sophomores- most of you who are in this group will read this. i still love you guys but it’s odd being around the group anymore, it seems like it’s changed. that’s why i’ve been hanging out downstairs with jimmy during lunch, and when i get the chance. or ivy, or kameron, or david. also i’m more into being in the one on one small groups. it’s not insult to you guys, i still love you… but my temperament has changed.

also!

when you have friends, no matter how close you are to them, there are some things you just shouldn’t say… because inevitably there will be some gossip.

and!

rumors multiply. even if they involve me. even if they’re not FUCKING true. i’m okay with truth being spread about me, even if it’s vicious and hurtful, because hey, it’s the truth. but when people like to talk about my shit, and decide that i like somebody and am going to ask them out (as a boyfriend) even when i’m ONLY GOING TO ASK THEM TO THE DANCE, it’s pissingly annoying. AND GUESS WHAT? I DIDN’T MEAN THAT I WAS OH-SO-IN-LOVE or some shit with kameron. hell, i wanted to ask him to the dance because he’s my friend and we get along, and it would be fun. also, people who TELL /my/ close friends behind /my/ back stuff, like the ’she’s going to ask you out’ thing, are being unnecessarily mean. it’s like certain people are hoping my friendships are fucked over.

finally-

the strongest person in my life crapped out on me this week. not directly, but through weakness, and it pisses me off. except i still can’t be mad at him, because i love him and i’ve already gotten being pissed. but it was a reality check. i now know that holding anybody in such high esteem is foolish.

wait, there’s more!

somebody i really trusted behaved really inappropriately with me. like, physically. now if you’re reading this and you get paranoid- no, it wasn’t you. but i learned another thing about myself- i’m not nearly as brave as i wish. i wasn’t able to push this guy away. i said no. i told him stop it, i’m going to hit you. he did stop. but… i wish he hadn’t. geneva was there, she saw what happened- it wasn’t anything enormous, but it made me feel terrible and i still feel horrid.

and lastly…

i should just become a lesbian, most people wouldn’t be surprised. if i do, colby’s my first, obviously. :) … but i like guys too much. damnit.

soooo

my new template won’t work.
but i solved my guy problems?

but my new template won’t work.
well. one thing at a time.

[is really insanely happy, i know you can't tell]

oh and it’s winter break.

a little more later.

EDIT ONE MINUTE LATER:
okay so yeah. things are /really/ good.

lovies

so… life is crazy.
have three male ‘problems’ in my life.
tired of guys… but am lonel-ier than i’ve ever been.

emo tenn.
nasty.

in response to the ed:

from ed: “No wonder guys never understand girls!

I just trolled some other girl’s blog tonight (and the night before) because she said something ridiculous like ‘we’re such great friends and I would never want to ruin that with a relationship!’

I told her diamonds weren’t forever: have you ever hit one with a hammer?

Dr. Phil moves to his next issue:
communication!

I know that the English language sucks really bad, but I don’t think it’s so bad yet that we can just stop using it. If I’m reading this right:

You want to say ‘fuck off’ which could mean what it’s supposed to mean or the complete opposite. You want to look happy and have it received as its expected to be…you want to be pestered about it…

The job for a mindreader! I don’t know any mindreaders, male or female, or even outside the human species. Betazoids are only found on Star Trek. Do you know any?

I think the truth wins: isn’t looking happy when you’re not downright dishonest?”

^__________^;;

but i have met people who know me well enough to know when i’m not being happy. my friends stashia and olivia for one, geneva sometimes manages it, but olivia’s the best at it, period. i’m not asking for a mind reader, but yeah, i was being pretty damn unrealistic when i wrote that, i concede that much- as olivia and i have decided, finding a guy that manages that kind of kinship is hardly likely.

I think the truth wins: isn’t looking happy when you’re not downright dishonest?

this struck me in particular, because i’ve spent the last week or so being happy because that’s what people want me to be. yes, it’s dishonest, but when i finally lost my temper today and got upset about all the shit that’s going on, three people were like, ’stop being mad.’

don’t even bother to figure out why i’m mad, just be annoyed with me because i’m being mad or pissy, and say not to take it out on them.

yeah, i’m dishonest. i manage to make happy because people get pissy when i’m not. people who can’t interpret whether or not i’m happy are loose friends, who i really wouldn’t want to explain why i’m upset in the first place to- i’m odd that way.

i’m not a very moral person, i’ll readily admit that.

in summary, though my communication of the matter sucked (and i was being juvenile),

i would like someone who is capable of knowing me. period. it’s not a 100% of the time thing- but it’s /not/ hard to mistake how i feel if you pay attention.