so in the past week

i’ve learned a lot of things.

one; the strongest people in your life will inevitably show that they are human, and it will be bad.
two; i am /not/ compatible with sweet people.
three; those that you trust insanely can suddenly turn around, and use you.
four; i was reminded that people have different morals than me
five; i can take most of the blame for everything, but if i claim total fault, my friends will yell at me.
six; i’ve changed, and it’s no longer a bad thing. there was a period of bad!change, but now i’m back to liking who i am.

something big i learned-

you can grow out of a group of friends. i still love every single one of them, but it’s a lot harder to spend time around the sophomores- most of you who are in this group will read this. i still love you guys but it’s odd being around the group anymore, it seems like it’s changed. that’s why i’ve been hanging out downstairs with jimmy during lunch, and when i get the chance. or ivy, or kameron, or david. also i’m more into being in the one on one small groups. it’s not insult to you guys, i still love you… but my temperament has changed.

also!

when you have friends, no matter how close you are to them, there are some things you just shouldn’t say… because inevitably there will be some gossip.

and!

rumors multiply. even if they involve me. even if they’re not FUCKING true. i’m okay with truth being spread about me, even if it’s vicious and hurtful, because hey, it’s the truth. but when people like to talk about my shit, and decide that i like somebody and am going to ask them out (as a boyfriend) even when i’m ONLY GOING TO ASK THEM TO THE DANCE, it’s pissingly annoying. AND GUESS WHAT? I DIDN’T MEAN THAT I WAS OH-SO-IN-LOVE or some shit with kameron. hell, i wanted to ask him to the dance because he’s my friend and we get along, and it would be fun. also, people who TELL /my/ close friends behind /my/ back stuff, like the ’she’s going to ask you out’ thing, are being unnecessarily mean. it’s like certain people are hoping my friendships are fucked over.

finally-

the strongest person in my life crapped out on me this week. not directly, but through weakness, and it pisses me off. except i still can’t be mad at him, because i love him and i’ve already gotten being pissed. but it was a reality check. i now know that holding anybody in such high esteem is foolish.

wait, there’s more!

somebody i really trusted behaved really inappropriately with me. like, physically. now if you’re reading this and you get paranoid- no, it wasn’t you. but i learned another thing about myself- i’m not nearly as brave as i wish. i wasn’t able to push this guy away. i said no. i told him stop it, i’m going to hit you. he did stop. but… i wish he hadn’t. geneva was there, she saw what happened- it wasn’t anything enormous, but it made me feel terrible and i still feel horrid.

and lastly…

i should just become a lesbian, most people wouldn’t be surprised. if i do, colby’s my first, obviously. :) … but i like guys too much. damnit.

correction:

never think things won’t get worse. you may say on the /first/ bad event that ‘ho damn, i told you i’d fall hard.’

then you’ll realize that you’re still falling, and you just hit a cliff wall or something.

&& if you think i’m being needlessly emo-

FUCK OFF thank you very much. I have a SHITLOAD of things hitting me at once.

&& yeah, you might just have it worse / think you have it worse if I haven’t explained. but this whole week has fucked me over pretty bad.

snow day epilogue

amazing.

i have an agonizing tail bone and a plethora of memories i shall detail later.

and a teddy.

that i’m off to go sleep with.

i played with rachel and alexander and jason (for a time) in the snow. then got cocoa. then went and did it again. i took my little brother. alexander gave me this amazing teddy that smells like him and is soft furry and brown. i can’t decide what to name him, though. i’m considering ’stubborn’ but that doesn’t have the right ring to it. alexander says he’s not stubborn.

memory? because i got him today and it was such a good day.

oh! ‘remembrance’ should work. there might be something better, but this is good for now. and then i may call him R.E.M. (like rapid eye movement) for short. or Remmy.

2007

:)

my new year has been pleasant. ushered it in with a non-bondage night. went over to stashia’s and ate a yummy dinner in which the courses were…

• ham hammity ham that i actually liked
• cornbake which is crazy shit but amazing
• sweet potatoes the only sweet spuds i’ve ever liked!
• cranberry sauce with real cranberries!
• gherkins which are godly
• veggies with ranch sauce!
• croissants
  
• and more hammity ham.
• and cheesy potatoes!
  

it were yummy, better than fast food which is what was for dinner at tenn’s house. people in attendance were

• heathery-mom-person-who-owns-the-place
• stashiay-it’sherhouseperson
• isaac & jonas -it’s their house even though they’re annoying
• isaac & jonas’s papa
• wesley
• olivia
• tenn!

and woulda been geneva if geneva weren’t a bitch who decided not to come. (i know geneva. kidding.)

and so we played lots of egyptian rat screw and abalone and shit. && wesley stayed until six a.m. when everybody started to go to beds. && olivia destroyed wesley’s hand in ers.

tenn, is that your hairpins?

i’ve taken forever to post this.

scene: dfw airport at approx. 2100.
characters:

• nick l.
• kameron l.
• jimmy w.
• rachel h.
• mohamad n.
• meaghan k.
• hunt m.
• alexander p.
• brianda v.
• teneal m.

action.

we are forced to remove boots, class a jackets, and anything in our pockets to go through security. we are in full class a uniform (and some are in b’s.) i discard jacket, cell phone, wallet and boots, revealing my vividly blue socks which are decidedly non regulation. i am metal free.

i walk through the detector.

it beeps insistently, defying my metal-free countenance.

i walk back. i attempt a pass through twice more.

the oh-so-helpful agent reminds me of my bobbypins in my hair. asks me to take them out. i sigh, offer myself up to be wanded.

mis-take. while taking out my hair would have been an absolute bitch, what progressed was simply ridiculous, even though it was hilarious. i had to stand in the Box which is cordoned off on three sides with those crazy little belts. i had to place my feet on the yellow feets prints on the funny charcoal mat. then i got to walk out of the box to another mat with feets prints. i stood on the feets prints, which made my own feets about two feet apart. i looked straight ahead and i stretched my arms out parallel to the ceiling with palms facing the ceiling. the oh-so-helpful agent wanded me. my ankle beeped- the one with the blouser still on it. she found it and nodded and continued to wand me. my crotch beeped. she said that was the little latch thing and verified it with a pat. she wanded my hair. my hair beeped. my hair has hairpins, not bombs in it.

she wanded me a bit more.

she then patted me down and it was a humiliating, terrible experience. my sergeant was standing nearby waiting for me and the other two criminals! to be set free. she patted my crotch and my breasticles. she did this several times, even though my breasticles never beeped. then she wanded me again and of course the only thing to beep was my hair. she was giving me ridiculous problems.

and when tenn is subjected to ridicule, she says ridiculous things.

especially in response to nick, who chose that moment- when she’s wanding me some more- “so, you think it’s your hairpins, tenn?” most sarcastically. my hair beeps a bit more.

“no. it’s the bomb i’m carrying.”

there were four agents on location; each met my gaze with stony suspicion. all but one regarded me for a moment and just shrugged and looked away, because they know that terrorists would never say bomb in an airport, only distressed fifteen year old girls who are being molested by lesbian agents.

the said lesbian agent stares at me most hatefully.
gives me some more wanding and patting.
says ‘let’s not say that again.’
then requests a private screening.

mr. other agent regards her with a bit of a huh?
and then miss. i want to feel you up shakes her head and says just kidding, let’s just not talk like that anymore.

tenn dresses. it is a slow process.

tenn walks away with her friends, having been molested in full sight of them, her sergeant, and their de facto tour guide whom is showing them to the military place where military people can eat, sleep, watch television, and rejuvenate. at the airport.

tenn has a hell of a story to tell her grandchildren- and to ruminate over with her friends.

tenn later greeted the troops, which was an experience entirely unlike the humor of the BOMB! scenario, and so will be placed in a later post.

casino royale

mr. daniel craig totally fails as 007. he got better about halfway through, but he is still a disgrace to the name of bond.

‘course, i had a stellar time anyway, i went to see the movie with axel. we almost didn’t get to go ‘cos of the fucking rain but then his grandpa (who is awesome) picked me up.

kinda weird because my life has completed the cycle of friendships. when i was in seventh grade to eighth grade i had a friend named wayne who turned out to be not such a good friend, then ninth grade there was christian who also ended up not being such a good friend, and now it’s rolled around to axel.

i especially hope things don’t turn out the way they have in the past. stashia’s mentioned the biggest distinction- alexander is not an asshole. the continuity in my life astounds me. wayne IMed me after i haven’t spoken to him in forever, wishing me a merry belated christmas. fairly odd. it really doesn’t matter though, there’s nothing there anymore, he’s a past issue.

anyway i talked to alexander to five am this morning and yesterday morning (started talking about one am) and that’s pretty cool, because i really am not good on the phone.

however, i fucking missed olivia’s call, which pisses me off to no end. i hope she calls tonight (i can’t call her house because of weirdness && it’s late.)

oh & i totally re pierced my ears by myself.

ltrs 2 u

Tell the People…

The People Must Know.
1). List 10 things that you want to say to people.
2). Dont say who they are.
3). Never discuss it again.

dear you,
i really love you. i think you’re the only member of my family that i do, without question, adore. sure i /love/ the rest of them, but you are my light & my shining star. without your little punk ass, i’d be lost and miserable. trust me on this one, love- i will never, ever, let you go. you are mine, forever, and that’s what you’re going to have to deal with for the rest of your life. don’t worry, my love- i will take out any threat to you, no matter who it comes from.

dear that person,
so… we’ve been through a fucking lot, haven’t we? i think i can honestly say we’ve done so much crap to eachother we have no earthly right to be friends. you may think you’ve done worse and you may say it, but i know i’ve done just as bad. i do love you though, even though our closeness varies and i can’t always tell you everything. i need to learn to stop underestimating you though, because you tend to exceed even my highest expectations. i love you. i want to make you stop hurting. i wish i could but i know i can’t, but i’ll be here for you the entire time. the only thing i would ever change about you is the fact that you still blame yourself. don’t. it was me too.

to you-
i honestly think i love you more than anybody in existence, and i can totally say this because you won’t read it. and even if you do, you probably won’t believe it’s you. you are everything to me. i care about you so much. i know you probably don’t feel the same way, and that’s okay, because i know you and how you are with people. but you have been there with me- and unlike anybody else, you understand me, and i never have to explain myself. you make me feel as though even my faults are acceptable, and your harshest words have never been cruel. if i could ever do anything for you, it would be to show you how truly wonderful and awe inspiring person you are. and you hate this kind of shit, so i better shut my fucking trap before you start to mock me.

and you as well,
what can i possibly say for you, love? i love you too. you and i have had some interesting times- and most especially lately, with how confused i’ve been, you’ve helped me. you always have a kind word and something to reassure me, and you make me so confident. you’re amazing and i wish i’d gotten to know you better before, or not let events of last year push me away from you. i’m sorry i let you drift away, i should have fought harder and been friends with your new friends but i didn’t. i’m sorry for that, and i’m so glad you never held it against me.

you deserve a mention too, love
even though we don’t talk as often as i think we should, i totally love you. i was even interested in you at one time. you are so kind, so wonderfully sweet, and you are just a generally wonderful person. even if i may say mean things about people you love, i try to curtail my words because my respect for you is so great. i really appreciate all that you do for me.

and you!
you’re a lunatic. why the fuck do you put up with me? i am so mean. i know i’m even really mean to you, when i’m not trying to be and i say something cruel i genuinely don’t mean it. if i meant it, it would be much worse. but you know that. i trust you & i love you even if i’m not in love with you, and i want you to know and believe that. you’ve always been here for me- and i will always be here for you. always being relative, of course. i genuinely hope that this always is a forever thing. i own you by the way. you and casper.

my funny one-
you’re amazing and you don’t even fucking know it. know how pissed off that makes me? but anyway, i love speaking to you & i probably should more. i know i’m not always a very attentive friend, you just need to hit me when i start being stupid. i hope things turn out well for you and him, and if they don’t i apologize so much for ever convincing you to chase him. i’ll also kill him if he hurts you, but i don’t think he will. i never could lead you into something where i thought you may be hurt. don’t ever let the world get you down, ever.

haha, you,
we’re not even really friends but you can be damn sure you get a mention. i know that you’ll totally never read this, but you… are such a total and complete ass! and yet you fought for me. i’ll never forget that. i thought you disliked me but you spoke up for me, and you tried hard. it may not have really helped- but you, my first commander, fought for me. you really didn’t hate me for betraying the team. you’re a really cool person even if you are a jerk who’s facial hair looks like pubic growth.

well, you.
you’re pretty annoying and you’re somewhat hard to talk to because our interests are so different, but you always keep trying. and i really should stop blowing you off- i don’t mean to, i just get distracted and don’t always hit ‘reply’. i miss how close we were when i was in eighth grade and you still lived here, but maybe i should try harder. i’m sorry you’ve had shit lately and i would stop it if i could, and i’m sorry i can’t come over any more. i wish you could kidnap me again.

and the last, but never the least,
i’ve never even met you, but i’ll always count you among my best friends. we met when- i think- i was twelve? it was on neopets, on a roleplay board (and taylor was there!) you’ve since been a part of my life, mostly in roleplay, but our bond doesn’t end there. i can tell you anything and i know you’ll understand. you’re older than me and so you are always encouraging when i’m in my down moods. and you will find someone to love you for who you are. i guarantee it. i’m so glad you didn’t die- you scared me SO much when you disappeared after the hurricane. i’m so glad we’re in touch now through other methods than just im, so when you get hacked i won’t lose you. i’m going to be so pissed when you leave for college. because i just got you back and then you’re going to leave again, for a lot longer.

dear santa [2]

dear mr. claus,

well, thanks for the night at least. that was pretty pleasant.

sincerely,
teneal ann

so yeah i went over to nick’s & renny & axel were there… so we walked up to seven-eleven & blockbuster && got bawls & monster. me & nick got the bawls, renny & axel chose monster. both are fags. /cough.

we watched alien vs. predator because they wouldn’t let us rent final destination three. it was actually quite good.

totally had a great time. bdus are amusing.

OH AND I CAN HEELY NOW. =]

photographs

so anyway the pretty pictures at your right are from deviantart, they’re the most popular ones of the moment. :) aren’t they shiny?

twiggy cancelled her party
again!

but i’ll go over to nick’s instead.

i’m having no luck with my heely’s. i am so ungraceful.

talked to people a lot today.

geneva called
then stashia called
then geneva called again
then stashia called again
then nick called
then alexander called
then alexander called again
then i was alone.

aaaand you all just lost the game.

OMGCOLBY

[Monday:20:07:30] syntaxthetwisted: OMG COLBY!
[Monday:20:07:30] *** “Kathryn-Colby” signed on at Mon Dec 25 20:07:29 2006.
[Monday:20:07:35] syntaxthetwisted: OMGCOLBY
[Monday:20:07:56] Kathryn-Colby: MY TENN!
[Monday:20:08:04] syntaxthetwisted: -pouncetackleravishscuttleaway-

moments after i set the alert to tell me when she got on.

YAY!

&& yes rachel i stole yer scuttle.

EDIT: SHE TORTURES ME:

[Monday:20:07:30] syntaxthetwisted: OMG COLBY!
[Monday:20:07:30] *** “Kathryn-Colby” signed on at Mon Dec 25 20:07:29 2006.
[Monday:20:07:35] syntaxthetwisted: OMGCOLBY
[Monday:20:07:56] Kathryn-Colby: MY TENN!
[Monday:20:08:04] syntaxthetwisted: -pouncetackleravishscuttleaway-
[Monday:20:11:19] *** “Kathryn-Colby” signed off at Mon Dec 25 20:11:19 2006.
[Monday:20:11:44] syntaxthetwisted: well… fine then.
[Monday:20:11:44] *** Error while sending IM: This user is currently not logged on
[Monday:20:11:57] syntaxthetwisted: OMG COLBY!
[Monday:20:11:57] *** “Kathryn-Colby” signed on at Mon Dec 25 20:11:57 2006.
[Monday:20:12:02] syntaxthetwisted: OMGAGAIN
[Monday:20:12:19] *** “Kathryn-Colby” signed off at Mon Dec 25 20:12:19 2006.

EDIT THRICE:

things are well now. see?
[Monday:20:07:30] syntaxthetwisted: OMG COLBY!
[Monday:20:07:30] *** “Kathryn-Colby” signed on at Mon Dec 25 20:07:29 2006.
[Monday:20:07:35] syntaxthetwisted: OMGCOLBY
[Monday:20:07:56] Kathryn-Colby: MY TENN!
[Monday:20:08:04] syntaxthetwisted: -pouncetackleravishscuttleaway-
[Monday:20:11:19] *** “Kathryn-Colby” signed off at Mon Dec 25 20:11:19 2006.
[Monday:20:11:44] syntaxthetwisted: well… fine then.
[Monday:20:11:44] *** Error while sending IM: This user is currently not logged on
[Monday:20:11:57] syntaxthetwisted: OMG COLBY!
[Monday:20:11:57] *** “Kathryn-Colby” signed on at Mon Dec 25 20:11:57 2006.
[Monday:20:12:02] syntaxthetwisted: OMGAGAIN
[Monday:20:12:19] *** “Kathryn-Colby” signed off at Mon Dec 25 20:12:19 2006.
[Monday:20:15:40] syntaxthetwisted: OMG COLBY!
[Monday:20:15:41] *** “Kathryn-Colby” signed on at Mon Dec 25 20:15:40 2006.
[Monday:20:15:59] syntaxthetwisted: OMGAGAINAGAIN.
[Monday:20:16:02] Kathryn-Colby: XDD
[Monday:20:16:08] Kathryn-Colby: got it all worked out now
[Monday:20:16:13] Kathryn-Colby: my aim download was screwy
[Monday:20:16:17] syntaxthetwisted: yayyyy