thank you, Ian!

a fellow named Ian composed a well-written argument to my quote and post from earlier, and totally changed my hard-headed mind, and i’m just delighted! the exchange of information between levelheaded people with different beliefs sends me into an ecstasy of enlightenment.

and the above is said entirely seriously, in that bright happy tone that you emit when you realize the world doesn’t suck.

somewhat.

well. i may not have a gag reflex, but when my stomach decides that things are living in it without it’s consent, POOF, there those things go. porcelain throne and all.

funny. i think it was the chick-fil-a. never mind the fact that my parents are fine! they ate bloody chinese food. they’re supposed to be the sick folks. ugghhhhewww.

ithinksheismadatmeandithinkit’sbecauseheandiarecloseagainandfuckfuckFUCK.

lOvelOvelOvelOve.

i recieved the most lovely letter today from the most lovely person. once upon a time. it made me cry, but they were good tears. then said lovely person said something that made me cry, and they were very good tears.

i want life to stay.

was better than last year.

then again, had we an F5 tornado, it would still have been better.

major events of the night

alexander got really, really, sick (which was BAD. really bad.)
ivy got queen! brandon got king!
i had a date
my date nearly killed me in his el camino.
i danced
the music died
i got asked to prom.

as you can see, axel getting sick was the bad part of the night. the worse part is- it’s still attacking him, whatever it is, and i’ve never been so worried for another human being in my life. he’s the closest thing i have to a best friend (not counting liv, who’s somehow different).

and… i hate that he’s sick. it’s not just that i hate seeing him in pain. i hate that he has to hurt. i hate that the doctors are too fucking stupid to know what’s wrong… i hate the concept that this sickness might follow him for the rest of his life. it’s bad, he’s been to the hospital (three?) times for it.

he’s one of the constants in my life. he’s my guardsman. he’s important to so many people. this sickness shouldn’t happen to somebody that has such a positive influence on so many people. i’ve been kind of negative lately- we’ve drifted, and i miss him, but it doesn’t matter. i don’t want to lose him. he shouldn’t be the one that’s sick, it should be somebody like me.

anyway, i’m about to get depressive over this again, so i’m going to segue into what happened the rest of the night. after axel got ambulanced and rachel and nick and renny left to go to the hospital with him, i wandered around kind of useless before dragging kameron in and looking for david (who i asked in algebra on friday.) i wanted to go to the hospital but i figured there were going to be several people there waiting for him already and i didn’t want to be in the way, a bother. (yes, rachel, if you’re reading this, i lied about my mom. though she probably woulda said no, anyway. this way if you read this it’s sheer dumb luck and i don’t feel bad!) anyway, i tried to deal with kam’s date (who was being witchy and mad because he’d been outside looking over axel). it didn’t work.

so then ivy essentially dragged me out and demanded i had fun (not quite like that, but she did, and i’m so glad she was there.) her and jimmy and i and david and occasionally, renaa, danced. ivy’s got her mama’s dancing skillz. then the music fucked up so we gave it up and went to chili’s. david took me, in his el camino, hence the near-death, but the near-death was rae fun so i’m not angry. his camino is a p.o.s…

we made it to chili’s in one piece, despite david showing off for the gringos in the red truck and gunning his engine, causing the el camino to jump inexplicably into their lane.

then we hung out outside where kam met us (after dropping his date off) and brandon, ashley, adam, candi, jaren, ivy, and her david were also there. kameron offered to take me home when i told david mi madre would kill me if she saw his car. worked out for the best because he didn’t have gas money. so kameron asked me to prom, which is nice. then when he dropped me off mi madre insisted on pictures, which was lame. it was an overall good night. had fun, overall.

will edit this post for neatness later.

i have a multitude of commitments on saturday.

i must purchase hose for my dress, and do some homework, then meet the guard at 1330 at rhs. then i have to continue to perform a color guard at kameron’s ceremony for which i am inordinately nervous. then, at 1630 (approx) i am to continue homewards, to prepare for the dance. i will be at my mother’s apartment, so that david may (hopefully) pick me up for the ball very soon after. then we will proceed to the coliseum and spend something near five hours of our lives there.

after the formalities, i will adjourn to wafflehouse with jimmy, renaa, and possibly other members of our entourage. this reminds me that i must ask david if he’d like to join us.

and yes, i mean david, commander of the color guard whom i harass so often.

all in all, it seems to be a very promising night, provided nothing like last year happens. or the other dances i tend to attend. this time, i will avoid the problem by having more than one person with whom i can enjoy myself about. i’m in charge of the seating arrangements, and staff has given me leave to sit with them, because they are very kind people. not, however, that this matters, being as i acquired a date during algebra. i suppose this means i’m taking david, as i asked him.

oh, i nearly broke kameron in half today.
and… i made a 110 on my k check.
and a 100 on my chemistry quiz.
and a friend.
and gained respect for mcknight, expressly because he mocked me. not that i already didn’t respect him. but it does seem odd that i ought like somebody better after they disrespect me. i am likely doomed to be a battered woman.

there are few things comparable to sprawling on the grass west of our school with my best friend, talking, laughing, daring to taste the milk of a dandelion and discovering that either the pesticides taint it, or the books mentioning dandelion milk lie.

you know, dandelion milk. the white stuff oozing around inside the stalk.

anyway. there are few things comparable to that, even to the moment when you realize- i am going to miss this. and that phone calls won’t be equivalent. and at the same moment, in what you’ve come to recognize as the danger voice- every time she says ‘teneal,’ in this voice, the cricket is about to ask a very painful question of some sort, or make a terribly human observation.

only this time, all she says is “i’m going to miss you.”

and even though you have gone over this a million times- it still stings, and brings a taste to your mouth that is worse than the dandelions.

but it’s also good, because it’s still going.

there are few things just as enjoyable as leaning back into one of your friends in the group- or laying down with them all- and talking quietly amongst yourselves, or nestling closer and just falling asleep. i always feel like a kitten. safe, secure, wanted. even if the dynamics really have changed in the group. there are still snatches of it- watching people hug, or hugging, but mostly just watching.

there are few things as fun as the screwy game, the game that none of you have ever won yet. or the mushroom that sits on stashia’s fan. or the sound of rum. or the fuzzies on your cellphone that are so reassuring. or ‘pillow talk’. even the memories of ‘pillow talk’ which you know are just memories, by now. or the down blanket in stashia’s room. the tent. aluvia. mehr dann du je wird wissen. ily. my im always announcing OMGCOLBY! hobbes and tsno. edianity.

my friends are so important to me. the little things- the little memories. the little memories that are fast disappearing as we grow older, drift apart, lose each other to moving and other friends.

at once, i am both mourning these losses- not just olivia’s, but the little ones i feel happening other than her- and cherishing the fact that they happened.

my class ring is going to say ‘tenn’ because that’s who most of you know me as. the inside will be engraved with pumpkinhead. the stone will be peridot, both for my brother’s birth and liv’s ‘aura’, if you will. one side will have the bloody rotc insignia. i don’t believe that herff jones ringmakers will make me remember high school. YOU guys will.

apologies for this introspective, disgusting post.

but only if you’re hobbes, and capable of making my terrible situation resolve itself (or rather, be resolved through words of power). and only if the terrible situation resolves itself in a fashion that is good, given a specific outlook.

betrayal never felt so good!

hobson’s a god. and i used his real name to honor him, i swear.
h-bs-n? i would nevarr provoke my diety.

ohshit. where does this leave ed?

what say you, edward, h-bs-n? up to sharing a duel diety? or perhaps i should just worship ed as the center of my religion, and h-bs-n have the title puppetmaster? after all, edward does not control my life.

is not such a terror as i often make it out to be. yes i understand that i am divided and selfish on this issue. i don’t hate valentine’s day, i just get annoyed with the enormous displays of ‘love’. my idea of a beautiful valentine’s gift is a book. or a small thing of chocolate, preferably not in day-glow pink, preferably not in a heart-shaped box, though those aren’t terrible. i just high dislike three pound chocolate hearts. i’d rather have a book… or a box of hot chocolate, if i must be given anything at all.

today i got gummy handcuffs and a kiss. two things with which i am quite well pleased. it’s the thought that makes me glow, not the bloody amount of sucralose you attempt to feed me.

also, though hopefully not meant as a valentine, i recieved an ACU US. Army cap from the recruiters who descended upon our school in the Army ‘Aviation’ van. it was hardly aviationny. but my cap fits quite well and replaces the black one somebody took.

to my friends:
stashia, who i can always speak to, even if i’m not always aware of it- i do indeed love you.
olivia, who understands i and my motives better than i do- i love you.
geneva, whose stupid comments are really rather intelligent and pointed- i love you, too.
alexander, my amazing but disgustingly decent man, i love you.
kameron, the underestimated proving himself in so many ways, i love you. deal with the public.
rachel, who i don’t always understand but normally appreciate, i love you.
jimmy, there through thick and thin, and the most rational guy in my life, i love you.

and to those whom i have not mentioned; nick, renny, twiggy, sarah, k-t, chelsea, james, eddie, hobbes, adam, m’adam, ivy, david, hunt, etcetera; i care about you all and you all hold a positive effect on my life, whether i announce you individually or not.

to my sergeant-
so if i had a dad, i think he would be you. probably have less hair, though, as i’m a stressful child.

and to lady thimbelle and miss twink, and the lord wrench whom i’ve only heard talk of, a flurry of hugs!

is a most attractive murderer.

i know this because david, ivy, kameron, and i saw hannibal rising tonight in lieu of the most disgusting winter ball.

it was a very enjoyable night, and i shall never view cheeks in the same manner again.

i fell on my ass today in the ditch. or rather my back. and my ass. and everything behind me. it’s covered in algae and i got my boot stuck in a rock so i wasn’t able to skate out of it like i normally do. instead i went flying… skated for a moment on my heels, then landed resoundingly on my back and flew down the damn dam a foot or so. it was impressive, and it didn’t hurt, was actually really fun, and turned me behind green.

i was pretty much soaked.

everybody got a good laugh from it, and alex crow got pictures, so if you want to see ask him.

then i had to go back to the school and crow walked me back… so i searched for clothes, ended up borrowing kameron’s DDUs (the digi camo) and seal shirt. which was fortunate, because it fit. but the fact that his clothing fits me is /not/ something i’m proud of. i feel fat.

kidding.

hung out with jimmy after school yesterday, really enjoyed getting to talk to my jimmyjimmy about life, the universe, and everything.

i think i failed my chem test.