nashville

my uncle is moving 700 miles away.

too bad he’s the only family member i really like, eh?

as i am

an agnostic, i do not celebrate easter.
however. i am an agnostic in a christian household. a very christian household.

and as an agnostic teenager in a christian household, i and my friends are the only ones to know that i do not believe in the christian god… actually, that’s a lie. almost everybody i know who has spared more than a few moments to get to know me knows that i’m agnostic. (or atheist, i’ve never actually broached the subject with some people.) my sergeant knows- my stepdad knows- everybody, it seems, except my family.

which makes pretending to celebrate easter an absolute pain in the ass. i mean, it’s nice to know my family believes, and i absolutely love the fact that my brother is christian. i’m cool with christianity, it’s just not for me.

then again, with people like brandon and mr. wag talking to me in their gentle way, it’s not so hard to consider going to church again. as i told brandon today, i have moral issues against the christian god.

you heard it right. conflict of morals. i don’t believe in god simply because not everybody is offered the same opportunity to believe in god as i was. the idea that EVERYBODY has a single chance at knowing god might be true. but if they’ve been raised, say, as an animist- or anything else not ‘right’, then they’re screwed. you can’t change a lifetime of learning with one sermon. and people that are predisposed to not believe should not be condemned to hell. according to the bible as it’s been presented to me, they are.

so i’m an agnostic pretending to be christian, and smiling at the prayers and subtly trying to avoid going to church, and its wearing on me. but i can’t confess, because then very earthly punishments would meet me. i want to retain my freedom, so if pretending to believe in christ keeps me from being forced to church and salvation, then that’s what i’ll do.

and in the meantime, i’ll nibble my chocolate cross and wonder who in their right mind would create something that seems sacrilegious even to my heathen self.

hypocrisy

sometimes, i’m absolutely sure that i’m a liar and i do support the death penalty and don’t beileve there’s redemption in everyone and don’t have a quiet temper. those times are typically involving my grandmother, when she’s screaming at me and cursing me then asking god’s forgiveness for her use of his name in vain- then she goes and screams at me some more, so in a snarky voice i tell her that god disdains more things than her saying god damn.

that’s when she slaps me and i think; if she does it again i’ll catch her hand. but i’m never able to, because even though i know her, i don’t expect it still. and so i simply say again, snarky voice; “things like that, too.”

which earns another.

i hate her, sometimes, i really do. even though i tell olivia i don’t hate. i told axel and rachel that yesterday morning. smart-ass axel said no, i don’t hate her.

i guess he’s right. i can’t hate her, i can only be angry with the bitch. i dislike her intensely, as rachel said.

fucking axel. why does he have to be right?
fucking grandma. why does she have to be crazy.

there’s significantly more venom directed toward grandma than axel.

speaking of whom; he’s healthy, and smiling again, and almost normal. i’m so glad. i think i can finally cry my worry out, now that it’s over. man… i’ve been a shitty, inattentive friend.

dear you

sometimes i hate you so much i can hardly breathe.

sometimes i wonder how i can understand almost anybody but you, except i understand you well enough. red face, screaming. blue eyes, darting left-right-left. it always reminds me of a predator. only most predators know well enough to sting or to bite or to paralyze and you just yell at me and you don’t pull back.

today i screamed back.

i got tired of it, after she essentially threw me at your mercy. blamed me. then i got mad at her and i got mad at you and i came back out of my room and told you to SHUT UP and it was one of the most terrifying things i’ve ever done only, i think you forgot. you made no mention of it because you didn’t shut up, you continued to yell at her and then he was upset and i told you shut up, shut up you blame me for stressing him out but look at what you’re doing SHUT UP.

and eventually you did. you followed her out of the house and said the usual things about never seeing her again. the boy gathered his toys and you screamed at him too. later he told me he wished he’d never been born, why had he been born?

and you and him told me to go too just go she’s waiting so i went.

and then she yelled some, and when the boy and i were outside, he told me he was useless and he thinks nobody wishes he was born.

only he’s wrong, you know. because he’s not the daughter that didn’t fix things, he’s not the daughter that causes the fight- he’s not the daughter that can’t console anyone when they’re crying and feeling useless and angry because emotions aren’t her bag. emotions are complex. especially with family and when they’re ridiculous and they’re family members that threw you to the wolves. he’s not the daughter that caused all this mess at her conception in the first place. because this daughter’s mother wouldn’t hate herself if she hadn’t been born in the first place, if she hadn’t exposed everything to her grandmother. everything would be fine if this child hadn’t been born.

me. not the boy. because the boy is good and loving and a bit spoiled, but he knows how to handle family members and their tears. but me. me, i stand and watch as everybody cries and laments their birth and mistakes, and my eyes are the only ones dry, save my grandfather’s, but he’s just angry and trying to get everyone to STOP being angry.

and i, i don’t help right. i run away when things are bad. and they all know it, everyone in the family does. only evan’s still delusional enough to think i’m worth it all. the rest of the family just won’t admit it. except when they’re angry. except on days like today.

maybe it’s not you i hate, you with flushed face from screaming and darting eyes and spray of spittle. maybe it’s me. because i only hate you when i’m angry, and i hate me much more of the time. i wouldn’t have to hate you if i didn’t fuck up so bad. i just try to blame you for things. i shouldn’t.

so this was supposed to be

a post in which i bragged about how the new jeans my mama gave me made me feel sexy and feminine and attractive (and like i knew i was a female, despite the fact that lady at the grocery store looked at me disdainfully and told mother that her daughter didn’t know she was a female until she was twenty, give me time. because i was wearing my serpent jeans and a ripped off sleeve top.)

but then i got home and apparently they don’t look as good as i thought and mama said. they look whorish and are too tight on me. i liked them.

and now my phone’s been taken away and i’ve been yelled at for no fucking reason except for the fact that i had new jeans. i mean, the stated reason is my room but it was ACCEPTED that i was doing it tomorrow. but apparently i only went to mom’s because i wanted to rebel. and apparently i let my chest hang low out of clothing or something. i don’t know. i thought i looked good. i still kind of do, i still kind of like the jeans, but i’m wrong about how they look i guess.

and now i’m going to have to wear them because nana will do her bullshit if i don’t. and now i’m going to look like i’m selling myself and guys are going to look at me like a piece of meat.

but i thought the jeans were sexy. mama said so too. why would she be wrong?

so in the past week

i’ve learned a lot of things.

one; the strongest people in your life will inevitably show that they are human, and it will be bad.
two; i am /not/ compatible with sweet people.
three; those that you trust insanely can suddenly turn around, and use you.
four; i was reminded that people have different morals than me
five; i can take most of the blame for everything, but if i claim total fault, my friends will yell at me.
six; i’ve changed, and it’s no longer a bad thing. there was a period of bad!change, but now i’m back to liking who i am.

something big i learned-

you can grow out of a group of friends. i still love every single one of them, but it’s a lot harder to spend time around the sophomores- most of you who are in this group will read this. i still love you guys but it’s odd being around the group anymore, it seems like it’s changed. that’s why i’ve been hanging out downstairs with jimmy during lunch, and when i get the chance. or ivy, or kameron, or david. also i’m more into being in the one on one small groups. it’s not insult to you guys, i still love you… but my temperament has changed.

also!

when you have friends, no matter how close you are to them, there are some things you just shouldn’t say… because inevitably there will be some gossip.

and!

rumors multiply. even if they involve me. even if they’re not FUCKING true. i’m okay with truth being spread about me, even if it’s vicious and hurtful, because hey, it’s the truth. but when people like to talk about my shit, and decide that i like somebody and am going to ask them out (as a boyfriend) even when i’m ONLY GOING TO ASK THEM TO THE DANCE, it’s pissingly annoying. AND GUESS WHAT? I DIDN’T MEAN THAT I WAS OH-SO-IN-LOVE or some shit with kameron. hell, i wanted to ask him to the dance because he’s my friend and we get along, and it would be fun. also, people who TELL /my/ close friends behind /my/ back stuff, like the ’she’s going to ask you out’ thing, are being unnecessarily mean. it’s like certain people are hoping my friendships are fucked over.

finally-

the strongest person in my life crapped out on me this week. not directly, but through weakness, and it pisses me off. except i still can’t be mad at him, because i love him and i’ve already gotten being pissed. but it was a reality check. i now know that holding anybody in such high esteem is foolish.

wait, there’s more!

somebody i really trusted behaved really inappropriately with me. like, physically. now if you’re reading this and you get paranoid- no, it wasn’t you. but i learned another thing about myself- i’m not nearly as brave as i wish. i wasn’t able to push this guy away. i said no. i told him stop it, i’m going to hit you. he did stop. but… i wish he hadn’t. geneva was there, she saw what happened- it wasn’t anything enormous, but it made me feel terrible and i still feel horrid.

and lastly…

i should just become a lesbian, most people wouldn’t be surprised. if i do, colby’s my first, obviously. :) … but i like guys too much. damnit.

correction:

never think things won’t get worse. you may say on the /first/ bad event that ‘ho damn, i told you i’d fall hard.’

then you’ll realize that you’re still falling, and you just hit a cliff wall or something.

&& if you think i’m being needlessly emo-

FUCK OFF thank you very much. I have a SHITLOAD of things hitting me at once.

&& yeah, you might just have it worse / think you have it worse if I haven’t explained. but this whole week has fucked me over pretty bad.

ltrs 2 u

Tell the People…

The People Must Know.
1). List 10 things that you want to say to people.
2). Dont say who they are.
3). Never discuss it again.

dear you,
i really love you. i think you’re the only member of my family that i do, without question, adore. sure i /love/ the rest of them, but you are my light & my shining star. without your little punk ass, i’d be lost and miserable. trust me on this one, love- i will never, ever, let you go. you are mine, forever, and that’s what you’re going to have to deal with for the rest of your life. don’t worry, my love- i will take out any threat to you, no matter who it comes from.

dear that person,
so… we’ve been through a fucking lot, haven’t we? i think i can honestly say we’ve done so much crap to eachother we have no earthly right to be friends. you may think you’ve done worse and you may say it, but i know i’ve done just as bad. i do love you though, even though our closeness varies and i can’t always tell you everything. i need to learn to stop underestimating you though, because you tend to exceed even my highest expectations. i love you. i want to make you stop hurting. i wish i could but i know i can’t, but i’ll be here for you the entire time. the only thing i would ever change about you is the fact that you still blame yourself. don’t. it was me too.

to you-
i honestly think i love you more than anybody in existence, and i can totally say this because you won’t read it. and even if you do, you probably won’t believe it’s you. you are everything to me. i care about you so much. i know you probably don’t feel the same way, and that’s okay, because i know you and how you are with people. but you have been there with me- and unlike anybody else, you understand me, and i never have to explain myself. you make me feel as though even my faults are acceptable, and your harshest words have never been cruel. if i could ever do anything for you, it would be to show you how truly wonderful and awe inspiring person you are. and you hate this kind of shit, so i better shut my fucking trap before you start to mock me.

and you as well,
what can i possibly say for you, love? i love you too. you and i have had some interesting times- and most especially lately, with how confused i’ve been, you’ve helped me. you always have a kind word and something to reassure me, and you make me so confident. you’re amazing and i wish i’d gotten to know you better before, or not let events of last year push me away from you. i’m sorry i let you drift away, i should have fought harder and been friends with your new friends but i didn’t. i’m sorry for that, and i’m so glad you never held it against me.

you deserve a mention too, love
even though we don’t talk as often as i think we should, i totally love you. i was even interested in you at one time. you are so kind, so wonderfully sweet, and you are just a generally wonderful person. even if i may say mean things about people you love, i try to curtail my words because my respect for you is so great. i really appreciate all that you do for me.

and you!
you’re a lunatic. why the fuck do you put up with me? i am so mean. i know i’m even really mean to you, when i’m not trying to be and i say something cruel i genuinely don’t mean it. if i meant it, it would be much worse. but you know that. i trust you & i love you even if i’m not in love with you, and i want you to know and believe that. you’ve always been here for me- and i will always be here for you. always being relative, of course. i genuinely hope that this always is a forever thing. i own you by the way. you and casper.

my funny one-
you’re amazing and you don’t even fucking know it. know how pissed off that makes me? but anyway, i love speaking to you & i probably should more. i know i’m not always a very attentive friend, you just need to hit me when i start being stupid. i hope things turn out well for you and him, and if they don’t i apologize so much for ever convincing you to chase him. i’ll also kill him if he hurts you, but i don’t think he will. i never could lead you into something where i thought you may be hurt. don’t ever let the world get you down, ever.

haha, you,
we’re not even really friends but you can be damn sure you get a mention. i know that you’ll totally never read this, but you… are such a total and complete ass! and yet you fought for me. i’ll never forget that. i thought you disliked me but you spoke up for me, and you tried hard. it may not have really helped- but you, my first commander, fought for me. you really didn’t hate me for betraying the team. you’re a really cool person even if you are a jerk who’s facial hair looks like pubic growth.

well, you.
you’re pretty annoying and you’re somewhat hard to talk to because our interests are so different, but you always keep trying. and i really should stop blowing you off- i don’t mean to, i just get distracted and don’t always hit ‘reply’. i miss how close we were when i was in eighth grade and you still lived here, but maybe i should try harder. i’m sorry you’ve had shit lately and i would stop it if i could, and i’m sorry i can’t come over any more. i wish you could kidnap me again.

and the last, but never the least,
i’ve never even met you, but i’ll always count you among my best friends. we met when- i think- i was twelve? it was on neopets, on a roleplay board (and taylor was there!) you’ve since been a part of my life, mostly in roleplay, but our bond doesn’t end there. i can tell you anything and i know you’ll understand. you’re older than me and so you are always encouraging when i’m in my down moods. and you will find someone to love you for who you are. i guarantee it. i’m so glad you didn’t die- you scared me SO much when you disappeared after the hurricane. i’m so glad we’re in touch now through other methods than just im, so when you get hacked i won’t lose you. i’m going to be so pissed when you leave for college. because i just got you back and then you’re going to leave again, for a lot longer.

dear santa

dear mr. claus,

i know i didn’t write you this year (and since i’ve been pretty young) and i must admit it’s been because my faith in you has dwindled. i apologize very much for this inattention on my part, and hope you understand. maybe you’ve gone through this before.

anyway, i really appreciate what i got this year, but i’d like to trade it. material possessions are all well and good, and i love playing abalone, but perhaps i could do a trade? i’d really like the christmas spirit to return to my family year round. i think that would be lovely. it’s only two days after christmas and everybody is angry already.

and if you can’t return christmas spirit, can you at least make sure my mother doesn’t leave? i don’t much care if she leaves (so i guess i’m a bad person) but i watched my aunt walk away almost 13 years ago and she took my cousins. i don’t want to see that happen again, because this time it’s my mom and this time she will walk away with my brother.

sincerely,
teneal ann.

disgust

teenagers (like tenn) should be able to sleep past 930 without feeling guilty. i can’t anymore. my ass moves at 930 whether i like it or not, because that’s three and a half hours longer than i normally sleep. even if i go to bed at 4, i still can’t get away with sleeping past 930. that’s just wrong.

anyway. cleaning all day. mi madre y mi abuela es muchos irritated. nosotros es cleaning all dio.

y yo do nada bien.

pero! yo recibo notas bien par escuela ano.

well, more or less. nothing below a 75…