well. i may not have a gag reflex, but when my stomach decides that things are living in it without it’s consent, POOF, there those things go. porcelain throne and all.
funny. i think it was the chick-fil-a. never mind the fact that my parents are fine! they ate bloody chinese food. they’re supposed to be the sick folks. ugghhhhewww.
ithinksheismadatmeandithinkit’sbecauseheandiarecloseagainandfuckfuckFUCK.
an agnostic, i do not celebrate easter.
however. i am an agnostic in a christian household. a very christian household.
and as an agnostic teenager in a christian household, i and my friends are the only ones to know that i do not believe in the christian god… actually, that’s a lie. almost everybody i know who has spared more than a few moments to get to know me knows that i’m agnostic. (or atheist, i’ve never actually broached the subject with some people.) my sergeant knows- my stepdad knows- everybody, it seems, except my family.
which makes pretending to celebrate easter an absolute pain in the ass. i mean, it’s nice to know my family believes, and i absolutely love the fact that my brother is christian. i’m cool with christianity, it’s just not for me.
then again, with people like brandon and mr. wag talking to me in their gentle way, it’s not so hard to consider going to church again. as i told brandon today, i have moral issues against the christian god.
you heard it right. conflict of morals. i don’t believe in god simply because not everybody is offered the same opportunity to believe in god as i was. the idea that EVERYBODY has a single chance at knowing god might be true. but if they’ve been raised, say, as an animist- or anything else not ‘right’, then they’re screwed. you can’t change a lifetime of learning with one sermon. and people that are predisposed to not believe should not be condemned to hell. according to the bible as it’s been presented to me, they are.
so i’m an agnostic pretending to be christian, and smiling at the prayers and subtly trying to avoid going to church, and its wearing on me. but i can’t confess, because then very earthly punishments would meet me. i want to retain my freedom, so if pretending to believe in christ keeps me from being forced to church and salvation, then that’s what i’ll do.
and in the meantime, i’ll nibble my chocolate cross and wonder who in their right mind would create something that seems sacrilegious even to my heathen self.
radio fills me with a joy that i cannot equate to american.
complete and utter inability to say the right things at the right times.
bloody glass, why do you fail me?
told you it’d be like jumping off a skyscraper… splat.
it is not monday it is sunday and i am dressed up all pretty-like.for nothing. in a skirt.
i feel – like a dumbass- and- like i’m not going to dress up like this tomorrow. fuck. lost my chance.
i added an extra day to my life somehow.
gthirty-eight (38) anaheim peppers, green.
nine (9) tomatoes, green, to be ripened on the sill.
six (6) jalapenos, green.
one (1) yellow squash.
i am extremely lucky, considering i didn’t manage to water last night, since i wasn’t home.
thank you, late night summer shower.
okay, so my file-naming scheme made an interesting name for my latest banner.
[sm] all [ t ] aiar [tenn].
’tis wraith-tenn.wraith-tenn, in her current life/death, does not like people anymore.
she’s not going to try to be nice.
the final stage of tenn’s life/death: hedonistic assassin.
i think i’m high
i think i must be
i could probably do anything right now
i feel perfect.
not even supremely happy.
for me, perfection isn’t that, because the fall is terrible.
i hate happiness in a way, it makes the dips lower.
but the dips make the highs higher
and i think i could write right now if i tried.
i have no inclination though no inspiration.
i don’t have a reason because nothing plagues me i am satisfied.
i think i never remember these episodes… until i experience them again.
that makes it okay, i can’t seek this i’m always surprised by it.
i am mellow
i won’t say happy
because i’m not.
i am content.
it will shatter when mom comes in. she will. it is late.
i just wrote with a permanent marker.
it made things more clear.
http://docs.sun.com/source/806-3568/ncg_goldberg.html
i understand that.
i feel like i could say things to people that i never would.
… i still can’t.
fuck. need weed for that.
but the beauty of this mood is that i don’t mind.
really. something dramatic might shatter it but considering it doesn’t. i feel no fear nor worry.
will reading this upset me later?
will it break the magic?
i shouldn’t fuck with this insanity but i will anyway because this moment is eternal. i don’t worry about what happens next.
jamie: it’s in the neurons.
i can’t remember. was i cold heared?
or was it bit?
i lost half this post.
whatever.
some of it was good. i know it must have been.
i can’t remember it though.
jamie; if there is god i am now. if there is heaven i am experiencing it. if there is hell it is daily life.
i am clinical and cold
like hospital walls
bathed in antiseptic.
to others i am antifreeze.
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