after all, i TOTALLY love monsieur lector. even the older monsieur lector, when he’s all… ancient. he is one /sexy/ son of a bitch.
i’d eat HIM with some fava beans and a nice chianti.
… and i realize my stepdad and lady thimbelle will probably read this. oh well. this is what you get for reading a teenager’s blog.
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/49990224/
new poetry in which i romanticize things that are not that romantic, but are sweet all the same. i dramatized most of the events as to how important they were, because that’s what poets do. the last bit especially.
ahhh, what verse does for a situation.
i’m going to copy it to here, but please comment at my deviant? please? because you love me?
you have shared with me several kisses-
two of three in that dim gray stairwell
through which we have oft double timed
our booted feet clicking against cold industrial steel as one
and the backs of our hands brushing while we remained
silent; because that cliché of knowing each other well enough
well enough applies to us.and then once- a week ago-
you paused and i stopped and i turned to ask why
standing a step above you, we were still not of a height
and before i questioned you answered
lips on mine, hand in mine, eyes with mine-
all interrupted by the jarring scream of a bell
whose sound startled us, pulled you away.it was like this the second time, yesterday except it was
more expected, easier accepted, and then
your fingers kept mine as the bell clanged and we double-timed.the third time in a quiet room at the apex of the stairwell
not alone this time, you waited for our companion to look away
and kissed me once, arms ringing my waist.
he turned back- accused you and
you admitted your sin and did not repent
and i smiled and that time
i kissed you.
and to disguise the SACCHARINE DISGUSTING BLOB OF YUCK I HAVE BECOME, poetry from a while ago:
their energy is greater than a tesla coil
surrounding me, they condemn my soul
and as my blood begins to boil,
they watch as i cavort!muscles and tendons twitch and jerk
and limb by limb i leap to dance
constrained by wicked metal jaws,
my dying body hems and hawsand from my gaping mouth come chants and rants!
clarity is disdained by vocal cords that smoke
how they frown as my bowels release into prison pants!
oh, the unfortunate smell of death.as current stops with breaker pull,
my felonious corpse trembles, falls!
i’m held in place by rubber shackle,
but i stare out with one clouded eyeball.at last the crowd cheers an encore,
and hails the power of two thousand volts!
i’m not sure which i like better. one of kisses and one of the horrors of state mandated murder. i do think i am developing a new style though. i’ve never written so many bloody first persons in my life. in fact, i’ve never written first person before.
oh and by the way- the second one is DEFINITELY not from my point of view, even if it IS first person. -smirk-
is not such a terror as i often make it out to be. yes i understand that i am divided and selfish on this issue. i don’t hate valentine’s day, i just get annoyed with the enormous displays of ‘love’. my idea of a beautiful valentine’s gift is a book. or a small thing of chocolate, preferably not in day-glow pink, preferably not in a heart-shaped box, though those aren’t terrible. i just high dislike three pound chocolate hearts. i’d rather have a book… or a box of hot chocolate, if i must be given anything at all.
today i got gummy handcuffs and a kiss. two things with which i am quite well pleased. it’s the thought that makes me glow, not the bloody amount of sucralose you attempt to feed me.
also, though hopefully not meant as a valentine, i recieved an ACU US. Army cap from the recruiters who descended upon our school in the Army ‘Aviation’ van. it was hardly aviationny. but my cap fits quite well and replaces the black one somebody took.
to my friends:
stashia, who i can always speak to, even if i’m not always aware of it- i do indeed love you.
olivia, who understands i and my motives better than i do- i love you.
geneva, whose stupid comments are really rather intelligent and pointed- i love you, too.
alexander, my amazing but disgustingly decent man, i love you.
kameron, the underestimated proving himself in so many ways, i love you. deal with the public.
rachel, who i don’t always understand but normally appreciate, i love you.
jimmy, there through thick and thin, and the most rational guy in my life, i love you.
and to those whom i have not mentioned; nick, renny, twiggy, sarah, k-t, chelsea, james, eddie, hobbes, adam, m’adam, ivy, david, hunt, etcetera; i care about you all and you all hold a positive effect on my life, whether i announce you individually or not.
to my sergeant-
so if i had a dad, i think he would be you. probably have less hair, though, as i’m a stressful child.
and to lady thimbelle and miss twink, and the lord wrench whom i’ve only heard talk of, a flurry of hugs!
i’ve learned a lot of things.
one; the strongest people in your life will inevitably show that they are human, and it will be bad.
two; i am /not/ compatible with sweet people.
three; those that you trust insanely can suddenly turn around, and use you.
four; i was reminded that people have different morals than me
five; i can take most of the blame for everything, but if i claim total fault, my friends will yell at me.
six; i’ve changed, and it’s no longer a bad thing. there was a period of bad!change, but now i’m back to liking who i am.
something big i learned-
you can grow out of a group of friends. i still love every single one of them, but it’s a lot harder to spend time around the sophomores- most of you who are in this group will read this. i still love you guys but it’s odd being around the group anymore, it seems like it’s changed. that’s why i’ve been hanging out downstairs with jimmy during lunch, and when i get the chance. or ivy, or kameron, or david. also i’m more into being in the one on one small groups. it’s not insult to you guys, i still love you… but my temperament has changed.
also!
when you have friends, no matter how close you are to them, there are some things you just shouldn’t say… because inevitably there will be some gossip.
and!
rumors multiply. even if they involve me. even if they’re not FUCKING true. i’m okay with truth being spread about me, even if it’s vicious and hurtful, because hey, it’s the truth. but when people like to talk about my shit, and decide that i like somebody and am going to ask them out (as a boyfriend) even when i’m ONLY GOING TO ASK THEM TO THE DANCE, it’s pissingly annoying. AND GUESS WHAT? I DIDN’T MEAN THAT I WAS OH-SO-IN-LOVE or some shit with kameron. hell, i wanted to ask him to the dance because he’s my friend and we get along, and it would be fun. also, people who TELL /my/ close friends behind /my/ back stuff, like the ’she’s going to ask you out’ thing, are being unnecessarily mean. it’s like certain people are hoping my friendships are fucked over.
finally-
the strongest person in my life crapped out on me this week. not directly, but through weakness, and it pisses me off. except i still can’t be mad at him, because i love him and i’ve already gotten being pissed. but it was a reality check. i now know that holding anybody in such high esteem is foolish.
wait, there’s more!
somebody i really trusted behaved really inappropriately with me. like, physically. now if you’re reading this and you get paranoid- no, it wasn’t you. but i learned another thing about myself- i’m not nearly as brave as i wish. i wasn’t able to push this guy away. i said no. i told him stop it, i’m going to hit you. he did stop. but… i wish he hadn’t. geneva was there, she saw what happened- it wasn’t anything enormous, but it made me feel terrible and i still feel horrid.
and lastly…
i should just become a lesbian, most people wouldn’t be surprised. if i do, colby’s my first, obviously. :) … but i like guys too much. damnit.
my new template won’t work.
but i solved my guy problems?
but my new template won’t work.
well. one thing at a time.
[is really insanely happy, i know you can't tell]
oh and it’s winter break.
a little more later.
EDIT ONE MINUTE LATER:
okay so yeah. things are /really/ good.
so… life is crazy.
have three male ‘problems’ in my life.
tired of guys… but am lonel-ier than i’ve ever been.
emo tenn.
nasty.
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