as i am

an agnostic, i do not celebrate easter.
however. i am an agnostic in a christian household. a very christian household.

and as an agnostic teenager in a christian household, i and my friends are the only ones to know that i do not believe in the christian god… actually, that’s a lie. almost everybody i know who has spared more than a few moments to get to know me knows that i’m agnostic. (or atheist, i’ve never actually broached the subject with some people.) my sergeant knows- my stepdad knows- everybody, it seems, except my family.

which makes pretending to celebrate easter an absolute pain in the ass. i mean, it’s nice to know my family believes, and i absolutely love the fact that my brother is christian. i’m cool with christianity, it’s just not for me.

then again, with people like brandon and mr. wag talking to me in their gentle way, it’s not so hard to consider going to church again. as i told brandon today, i have moral issues against the christian god.

you heard it right. conflict of morals. i don’t believe in god simply because not everybody is offered the same opportunity to believe in god as i was. the idea that EVERYBODY has a single chance at knowing god might be true. but if they’ve been raised, say, as an animist- or anything else not ‘right’, then they’re screwed. you can’t change a lifetime of learning with one sermon. and people that are predisposed to not believe should not be condemned to hell. according to the bible as it’s been presented to me, they are.

so i’m an agnostic pretending to be christian, and smiling at the prayers and subtly trying to avoid going to church, and its wearing on me. but i can’t confess, because then very earthly punishments would meet me. i want to retain my freedom, so if pretending to believe in christ keeps me from being forced to church and salvation, then that’s what i’ll do.

and in the meantime, i’ll nibble my chocolate cross and wonder who in their right mind would create something that seems sacrilegious even to my heathen self.