sometimes, i’m absolutely sure that i’m a liar and i do support the death penalty and don’t beileve there’s redemption in everyone and don’t have a quiet temper. those times are typically involving my grandmother, when she’s screaming at me and cursing me then asking god’s forgiveness for her use of his name in vain- then she goes and screams at me some more, so in a snarky voice i tell her that god disdains more things than her saying god damn.
that’s when she slaps me and i think; if she does it again i’ll catch her hand. but i’m never able to, because even though i know her, i don’t expect it still. and so i simply say again, snarky voice; “things like that, too.”
which earns another.
i hate her, sometimes, i really do. even though i tell olivia i don’t hate. i told axel and rachel that yesterday morning. smart-ass axel said no, i don’t hate her.
i guess he’s right. i can’t hate her, i can only be angry with the bitch. i dislike her intensely, as rachel said.
fucking axel. why does he have to be right?
fucking grandma. why does she have to be crazy.
there’s significantly more venom directed toward grandma than axel.
speaking of whom; he’s healthy, and smiling again, and almost normal. i’m so glad. i think i can finally cry my worry out, now that it’s over. man… i’ve been a shitty, inattentive friend.
Sometimes, adults do stupid stuff.
Sometimes, they do stupid stuff to the people that they love the most. The Wrench calls it “two minutes of madness” – that state in which you are so pissed off, or so upset, or so grief-stricken that you literally lose control for just a few seconds, or a few minutes, and *that’s* when and how people come to do some really hideous, stupid, hateful, hurtful things.
I don’t know everything that happened to cause her to slap you; I know that sometimes people literally do hurt the ones who they love the most because they know that those people won’t/can’t leave them. I’ll bet that she doesn’t go around slapping the clerk at the grocery, or the waitress at the cafe’. And she probably holds her tounge when talking to the people she meets in the community, right?
But you – you she hits & screams at.
And it hurts. In ways that mere words, written in pixels, and floating through the ether can never really convey.
I am *so* sorry, sweetie. You are a brave, smart, incredible person, and I wish with all my heart that she could somehow find another way to vent her anger.
I wish that I could be there to give you a big ol’ hug, and tell you what a great kid I think you are.
I wish that I could change things for you.
Know that you are NOT alone in the world – that there are people who love you, and care about you, and who believe in you.
(((hugs)))
Thim :)