dandelions and pumpkins

there are few things comparable to sprawling on the grass west of our school with my best friend, talking, laughing, daring to taste the milk of a dandelion and discovering that either the pesticides taint it, or the books mentioning dandelion milk lie.

you know, dandelion milk. the white stuff oozing around inside the stalk.

anyway. there are few things comparable to that, even to the moment when you realize- i am going to miss this. and that phone calls won’t be equivalent. and at the same moment, in what you’ve come to recognize as the danger voice- every time she says ‘teneal,’ in this voice, the cricket is about to ask a very painful question of some sort, or make a terribly human observation.

only this time, all she says is “i’m going to miss you.”

and even though you have gone over this a million times- it still stings, and brings a taste to your mouth that is worse than the dandelions.

but it’s also good, because it’s still going.

there are few things just as enjoyable as leaning back into one of your friends in the group- or laying down with them all- and talking quietly amongst yourselves, or nestling closer and just falling asleep. i always feel like a kitten. safe, secure, wanted. even if the dynamics really have changed in the group. there are still snatches of it- watching people hug, or hugging, but mostly just watching.

there are few things as fun as the screwy game, the game that none of you have ever won yet. or the mushroom that sits on stashia’s fan. or the sound of rum. or the fuzzies on your cellphone that are so reassuring. or ‘pillow talk’. even the memories of ‘pillow talk’ which you know are just memories, by now. or the down blanket in stashia’s room. the tent. aluvia. mehr dann du je wird wissen. ily. my im always announcing OMGCOLBY! hobbes and tsno. edianity.

my friends are so important to me. the little things- the little memories. the little memories that are fast disappearing as we grow older, drift apart, lose each other to moving and other friends.

at once, i am both mourning these losses- not just olivia’s, but the little ones i feel happening other than her- and cherishing the fact that they happened.

my class ring is going to say ‘tenn’ because that’s who most of you know me as. the inside will be engraved with pumpkinhead. the stone will be peridot, both for my brother’s birth and liv’s ‘aura’, if you will. one side will have the bloody rotc insignia. i don’t believe that herff jones ringmakers will make me remember high school. YOU guys will.

apologies for this introspective, disgusting post.