it’s been identified

fisk’s disease. though he might have said fifth disease, but i looked up fisk’s and couldn’t find it; it led me to fifth, which doesn’t seem very rational to be it.

anyway i’m not going to call him since i hope he’s asleep.

but there’s no cure, his body will have to fight it off.

basically what i understood from axel’s explanation:

he had an allergic reaction to something. so his immune system is all RAWR I’MA TAKE YOU! and it attacks the bad thing. only it misses, and hits itself instead, multiple times. thus, axel is made sick because his body is stupid and doesn’t know the difference between friend and foe.

-sniffle- but it’s been identified, so it’s less scary.

milball

was better than last year.

then again, had we an F5 tornado, it would still have been better.

major events of the night

alexander got really, really, sick (which was BAD. really bad.)
ivy got queen! brandon got king!
i had a date
my date nearly killed me in his el camino.
i danced
the music died
i got asked to prom.

as you can see, axel getting sick was the bad part of the night. the worse part is- it’s still attacking him, whatever it is, and i’ve never been so worried for another human being in my life. he’s the closest thing i have to a best friend (not counting liv, who’s somehow different).

and… i hate that he’s sick. it’s not just that i hate seeing him in pain. i hate that he has to hurt. i hate that the doctors are too fucking stupid to know what’s wrong… i hate the concept that this sickness might follow him for the rest of his life. it’s bad, he’s been to the hospital (three?) times for it.

he’s one of the constants in my life. he’s my guardsman. he’s important to so many people. this sickness shouldn’t happen to somebody that has such a positive influence on so many people. i’ve been kind of negative lately- we’ve drifted, and i miss him, but it doesn’t matter. i don’t want to lose him. he shouldn’t be the one that’s sick, it should be somebody like me.

anyway, i’m about to get depressive over this again, so i’m going to segue into what happened the rest of the night. after axel got ambulanced and rachel and nick and renny left to go to the hospital with him, i wandered around kind of useless before dragging kameron in and looking for david (who i asked in algebra on friday.) i wanted to go to the hospital but i figured there were going to be several people there waiting for him already and i didn’t want to be in the way, a bother. (yes, rachel, if you’re reading this, i lied about my mom. though she probably woulda said no, anyway. this way if you read this it’s sheer dumb luck and i don’t feel bad!) anyway, i tried to deal with kam’s date (who was being witchy and mad because he’d been outside looking over axel). it didn’t work.

so then ivy essentially dragged me out and demanded i had fun (not quite like that, but she did, and i’m so glad she was there.) her and jimmy and i and david and occasionally, renaa, danced. ivy’s got her mama’s dancing skillz. then the music fucked up so we gave it up and went to chili’s. david took me, in his el camino, hence the near-death, but the near-death was rae fun so i’m not angry. his camino is a p.o.s…

we made it to chili’s in one piece, despite david showing off for the gringos in the red truck and gunning his engine, causing the el camino to jump inexplicably into their lane.

then we hung out outside where kam met us (after dropping his date off) and brandon, ashley, adam, candi, jaren, ivy, and her david were also there. kameron offered to take me home when i told david mi madre would kill me if she saw his car. worked out for the best because he didn’t have gas money. so kameron asked me to prom, which is nice. then when he dropped me off mi madre insisted on pictures, which was lame. it was an overall good night. had fun, overall.

will edit this post for neatness later.

saturday

i have a multitude of commitments on saturday.

i must purchase hose for my dress, and do some homework, then meet the guard at 1330 at rhs. then i have to continue to perform a color guard at kameron’s ceremony for which i am inordinately nervous. then, at 1630 (approx) i am to continue homewards, to prepare for the dance. i will be at my mother’s apartment, so that david may (hopefully) pick me up for the ball very soon after. then we will proceed to the coliseum and spend something near five hours of our lives there.

after the formalities, i will adjourn to wafflehouse with jimmy, renaa, and possibly other members of our entourage. this reminds me that i must ask david if he’d like to join us.

and yes, i mean david, commander of the color guard whom i harass so often.

all in all, it seems to be a very promising night, provided nothing like last year happens. or the other dances i tend to attend. this time, i will avoid the problem by having more than one person with whom i can enjoy myself about. i’m in charge of the seating arrangements, and staff has given me leave to sit with them, because they are very kind people. not, however, that this matters, being as i acquired a date during algebra. i suppose this means i’m taking david, as i asked him.

oh, i nearly broke kameron in half today.
and… i made a 110 on my k check.
and a 100 on my chemistry quiz.
and a friend.
and gained respect for mcknight, expressly because he mocked me. not that i already didn’t respect him. but it does seem odd that i ought like somebody better after they disrespect me. i am likely doomed to be a battered woman.

dandelions and pumpkins

there are few things comparable to sprawling on the grass west of our school with my best friend, talking, laughing, daring to taste the milk of a dandelion and discovering that either the pesticides taint it, or the books mentioning dandelion milk lie.

you know, dandelion milk. the white stuff oozing around inside the stalk.

anyway. there are few things comparable to that, even to the moment when you realize- i am going to miss this. and that phone calls won’t be equivalent. and at the same moment, in what you’ve come to recognize as the danger voice- every time she says ‘teneal,’ in this voice, the cricket is about to ask a very painful question of some sort, or make a terribly human observation.

only this time, all she says is “i’m going to miss you.”

and even though you have gone over this a million times- it still stings, and brings a taste to your mouth that is worse than the dandelions.

but it’s also good, because it’s still going.

there are few things just as enjoyable as leaning back into one of your friends in the group- or laying down with them all- and talking quietly amongst yourselves, or nestling closer and just falling asleep. i always feel like a kitten. safe, secure, wanted. even if the dynamics really have changed in the group. there are still snatches of it- watching people hug, or hugging, but mostly just watching.

there are few things as fun as the screwy game, the game that none of you have ever won yet. or the mushroom that sits on stashia’s fan. or the sound of rum. or the fuzzies on your cellphone that are so reassuring. or ‘pillow talk’. even the memories of ‘pillow talk’ which you know are just memories, by now. or the down blanket in stashia’s room. the tent. aluvia. mehr dann du je wird wissen. ily. my im always announcing OMGCOLBY! hobbes and tsno. edianity.

my friends are so important to me. the little things- the little memories. the little memories that are fast disappearing as we grow older, drift apart, lose each other to moving and other friends.

at once, i am both mourning these losses- not just olivia’s, but the little ones i feel happening other than her- and cherishing the fact that they happened.

my class ring is going to say ‘tenn’ because that’s who most of you know me as. the inside will be engraved with pumpkinhead. the stone will be peridot, both for my brother’s birth and liv’s ‘aura’, if you will. one side will have the bloody rotc insignia. i don’t believe that herff jones ringmakers will make me remember high school. YOU guys will.

apologies for this introspective, disgusting post.

ugh.

i wish i could edit permissions of a single post to just allow a couple of people to read it.

pull my strings!

but only if you’re hobbes, and capable of making my terrible situation resolve itself (or rather, be resolved through words of power). and only if the terrible situation resolves itself in a fashion that is good, given a specific outlook.

betrayal never felt so good!

hobson’s a god. and i used his real name to honor him, i swear.
h-bs-n? i would nevarr provoke my diety.

ohshit. where does this leave ed?

what say you, edward, h-bs-n? up to sharing a duel diety? or perhaps i should just worship ed as the center of my religion, and h-bs-n have the title puppetmaster? after all, edward does not control my life.

i will probabl

why does it end with an l?

aluvia.

at least she’s not dying.

i want things to work out in the middle for once.

dear you

sometimes i hate you so much i can hardly breathe.

sometimes i wonder how i can understand almost anybody but you, except i understand you well enough. red face, screaming. blue eyes, darting left-right-left. it always reminds me of a predator. only most predators know well enough to sting or to bite or to paralyze and you just yell at me and you don’t pull back.

today i screamed back.

i got tired of it, after she essentially threw me at your mercy. blamed me. then i got mad at her and i got mad at you and i came back out of my room and told you to SHUT UP and it was one of the most terrifying things i’ve ever done only, i think you forgot. you made no mention of it because you didn’t shut up, you continued to yell at her and then he was upset and i told you shut up, shut up you blame me for stressing him out but look at what you’re doing SHUT UP.

and eventually you did. you followed her out of the house and said the usual things about never seeing her again. the boy gathered his toys and you screamed at him too. later he told me he wished he’d never been born, why had he been born?

and you and him told me to go too just go she’s waiting so i went.

and then she yelled some, and when the boy and i were outside, he told me he was useless and he thinks nobody wishes he was born.

only he’s wrong, you know. because he’s not the daughter that didn’t fix things, he’s not the daughter that causes the fight- he’s not the daughter that can’t console anyone when they’re crying and feeling useless and angry because emotions aren’t her bag. emotions are complex. especially with family and when they’re ridiculous and they’re family members that threw you to the wolves. he’s not the daughter that caused all this mess at her conception in the first place. because this daughter’s mother wouldn’t hate herself if she hadn’t been born in the first place, if she hadn’t exposed everything to her grandmother. everything would be fine if this child hadn’t been born.

me. not the boy. because the boy is good and loving and a bit spoiled, but he knows how to handle family members and their tears. but me. me, i stand and watch as everybody cries and laments their birth and mistakes, and my eyes are the only ones dry, save my grandfather’s, but he’s just angry and trying to get everyone to STOP being angry.

and i, i don’t help right. i run away when things are bad. and they all know it, everyone in the family does. only evan’s still delusional enough to think i’m worth it all. the rest of the family just won’t admit it. except when they’re angry. except on days like today.

maybe it’s not you i hate, you with flushed face from screaming and darting eyes and spray of spittle. maybe it’s me. because i only hate you when i’m angry, and i hate me much more of the time. i wouldn’t have to hate you if i didn’t fuck up so bad. i just try to blame you for things. i shouldn’t.

german and irish

radio fills me with a joy that i cannot equate to american.

so this was supposed to be

a post in which i bragged about how the new jeans my mama gave me made me feel sexy and feminine and attractive (and like i knew i was a female, despite the fact that lady at the grocery store looked at me disdainfully and told mother that her daughter didn’t know she was a female until she was twenty, give me time. because i was wearing my serpent jeans and a ripped off sleeve top.)

but then i got home and apparently they don’t look as good as i thought and mama said. they look whorish and are too tight on me. i liked them.

and now my phone’s been taken away and i’ve been yelled at for no fucking reason except for the fact that i had new jeans. i mean, the stated reason is my room but it was ACCEPTED that i was doing it tomorrow. but apparently i only went to mom’s because i wanted to rebel. and apparently i let my chest hang low out of clothing or something. i don’t know. i thought i looked good. i still kind of do, i still kind of like the jeans, but i’m wrong about how they look i guess.

and now i’m going to have to wear them because nana will do her bullshit if i don’t. and now i’m going to look like i’m selling myself and guys are going to look at me like a piece of meat.

but i thought the jeans were sexy. mama said so too. why would she be wrong?