i think i’m high i think i must be i could probabl…

i think i’m high
i think i must be
i could probably do anything right now
i feel perfect.

not even supremely happy.
for me, perfection isn’t that, because the fall is terrible.

i hate happiness in a way, it makes the dips lower.
but the dips make the highs higher
and i think i could write right now if i tried.

i have no inclination though no inspiration.
i don’t have a reason because nothing plagues me i am satisfied.

i think i never remember these episodes… until i experience them again.
that makes it okay, i can’t seek this i’m always surprised by it.

i am mellow

i won’t say happy
because i’m not.

i am content.

it will shatter when mom comes in. she will. it is late.

i just wrote with a permanent marker.

it made things more clear.

http://docs.sun.com/source/806-3568/ncg_goldberg.html

i understand that.

i feel like i could say things to people that i never would.

… i still can’t.

fuck. need weed for that.

but the beauty of this mood is that i don’t mind.

really. something dramatic might shatter it but considering it doesn’t. i feel no fear nor worry.

will reading this upset me later?
will it break the magic?

i shouldn’t fuck with this insanity but i will anyway because this moment is eternal. i don’t worry about what happens next.

jamie: it’s in the neurons.

i can’t remember. was i cold heared?
or was it bit?

i lost half this post.

whatever.

some of it was good. i know it must have been.

i can’t remember it though.

jamie; if there is god i am now. if there is heaven i am experiencing it. if there is hell it is daily life.

i am clinical and cold
like hospital walls
bathed in antiseptic.

to others i am antifreeze.